All these wonderful things

Maybe the Sleep Will Average Out

Eleven-plus hours of sleep last night just may start to catch me up on the hours I missed while in Park City, but it will probably take a couple more days to decompress from coming down the mountain. The past six days were lots of fun - saw some movies I really liked, some people I really like and occasionally had something to eat (drinking was another matter entirely). Lots of talk about the Cobain film as well as some other projects, past and present. A full accounting, with photographs, to come shortly....

Turn Out the Jackasses

Ah the joys of Jet Blue Airlines. Must you get me started? If you already know, you already know. And if you don't, well, then it's just gonna be like every other fanatic trying to tell you that you shouldn't live without tivo or low-carb dieting or Christianity.

Herewith my first attempt at live blogging (recorded on tape from beautiful downtown Burbank) in the skies on my flight to NYC JFK as I dialed through the Direct TV options onboard and ate my terra blues:

Five bucks to watch Fever Pitch? Pay five dollars to watch the Cardinals get swept again? I think I’ll pass.

Last night’s sportscenter repeat. Lead story - the Lance Armstrong Tour de France triumph. Ape-ing OLN’s habit, there is much talk about 3rd place rival Jan Ullrich and little mention of runner-up Ivan Basso, despite the fact that Basso has beaten Ullrich for two years running.

A Daily Show episode from last week with the John Roberts supreme court nomination. Best joke - Bush thinks he looks like the guy who married Mindy (aka Mark Harmon).

A later (much later) episode of Little House on the Prarie. For some reason there’s an orangutan in the town and a girl takes it to school for show and tell. Were there really orangutans in 19th century Minnesota? How big was "Every Which Way But Loose" that it convinced Michael Landon and company to bring one of those Clyde creatures on the set. And did Eddie Rabbit die? What about the woman who played Mrs. Olson?

The Teamsters and SEIU are thinking of leaving the AFL-CIO. Biggest surprise, union members were once 33% of American workers. Now, just 8%.

On Cold Pizza, they argue about whether Armstrong is an athelete or just someone skilled at endurance. The point seems to be that you need to have a ball to be considered a sport. (I actually think that if danger is involved - if you could be seriously injured - this consitutes a sport. Golf? Not a sport. Skateboarding? A sport. Falling off a mountain going downhill at speeds to 100 km/hr. Yes, mother fucker, definitely a sport.) He later makes the argument that there’s no eye-hand coordination needed in cycling. Tell that to Michael Rasmussen.

U2 is on top of a castle (mid-80s era) singing Two Hearts Beat as One. For some reason the B-plot is a red-leotard clad acrobat doing cartwheels in slow motion.

NBC reporter Chip Reid incorrectly tells the MSNBC anchors that during her confirmation hearings, Ruth Bader Ginsburg refused to reveal her position on issues. In fact, Ginsburg told the committee that she believed the constitution guaranteed a right to privacy and that she would uphold Roe. (This line - that Ginsburg refused to answer - while false has been part of the GOP talking points on the upcoming John Roberts hearing. Despite having been knocked down by numerous bloggers and press accounts, Chip Reid parrots the line. He must have gotten his memo.)

Lucy and Ethel want to go to the Copacabana. Ricky and Fred want to go to the fights. At first they try kindness and flattery on the others (including a very funny bit of business that involved all four of them attempting to light each other’s cigarettes - them were the days), but this quickly turns into each pair boasting they can squire dates to accompany them to their respective nights on the town. Of course, ecstacy turns to agony, and the whole shebang concludes with Lucy and Ethel in hillbilly-style ugly make-up appearing at the door as Ricky and Fred’s date. Although not even remotely incognito, it takes the dim husbands a good five minutes before they figure out it’s the wives. Oh, Ricky.

Good Jeopardy questions for me today. I sweep the TV, See the Z (we’ll show you a picture of something that begins with Z) and Francis Ford Coppola categories, but disappoint myself on Architects. Makes me wonder if I can appear on Jeopardy (my theory is no as I’ve worked for creator Merv Griffin (a story that will have to wait until his death for me to tell publicly - not that I’m wishing for anything - God speed Merv) and once stayed at Head Writer Gary Johnson’s Topanga Canyon home. (And co-hosted a BBQ that included my putting marshmellows on the wings of his Emmy. Sorry bout that.)

That cloud channel sure is pretty. And hypnotic. And sleeeeeeeeepy.

MSNBC leads with bombing coverage - developments in London, Egypt and a scare that evacuated Penn Station yesterday.

Wait, the Space Needle is collapsing. Memorial stadium is closed. SeaTac is jammed. Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s the crazy-schlocky TV disaster movie 10.5. Hm, let me guess, one scientist figures out that there’s a huge earthquake coming but can’t convince her colleagues or government officials to take action. Wonder if it might contain a few factual errors?

Major Nelson scours a local dog pound looking for Major Healy, whom Jeannie has turned into a dog because, well, I don’t know that it’s ever explained why she did it. But, boy is Dr. Bellow’s confused.

Back to 10.5 as President Beau Bridges concludes a long meeting before he shocks - truly shocks - his cabinet by telling them to “Get Nolan on the phone.” But Mr. President, they implore, the governors haven’t appointed anyone yet. “Well, I have!” When it turns out that Nolan is the head of FEMA, one realizes that Beau Bridges is the worst television president ever. Meanwhile, said smart scientist Kim Delaney informs her geological team that (the fictional) Mt. Renault has collapsed by 20 feet. “Aftershocks don’t do that,” she implores. "This was a separate quake!" Despite the fact that mountains are collapsing, this is met by skeptical colleagues with one actually grousing, “what a waste of time.”

Over on Celebrity Poker Showdown, Maura Tierney doubles up on Jon Favreau.

John Schneider and his daughter “Amanda” stumble upon a town that’s been swallowed whole by the earth. “What happened to Browning,” she asks. “It’s gone,” he says, in a non-chalant way as if discovering that last night’s leftovers were eaten before he could get to them.

The LiveMap informs we have passed over Lake Michigan.

Gigantic participant Andy Richter goes all in. “Look at that stare from Andy Richter. That’s a huge tell,” says Phil Gordon. Richter heads off to the Losers Lounge.

“We’ve just lost all the communities at the base of Mount Renault.” Says the female California governor, “Contact Washington D.C., I’m going to declare a state of emergency.” Whew, thank God for that.

Just can't turn off 10.5 as John Schneider and his daughter sink into the gravel - Lois Lane-style (circa Superman The Movie). Somehow she is able to free herself while he is stuck inside his SUV. Good thing that flashlight works!

LiveMap says we’re over NY state. 39063 feet above NY state. At a speed of 572 mph.

Ah, the Golden Gate Bridge is collapsing. The governor is running for her life (she’s sure to die as she’s not a recognizable actress). “The Golden Gate Bridge is no more”. And now a message from Special K.

Jon Favreau gets knocked out of the game by a tennis player I’ve never heard of. (I’ve seen this already, so I already know that Maura Tierney wins not just this round but the whole freaking tournament - in a head-to-head with Gilmore Girls’ Lauren Graham. Dave Foley pinches himself.)

Some great asymetrical hair as Elton John runs around like a madman on a cubist set wondering aloud “Who Wears These Shoes?” His bandmates/dancers are clothed in red sweatsuits. What’s with the red theme? Were we that into Nagel? And why are they constantly tackling him in what appears to a puppy pile? Oh, but Elton delivers on the final costume change - sparkling red jacket with an oversized red heart on it and a black top hat. Next up, Linda Ronstadt with a vintage live version of “It’s So Easy”. She’s remarkably staid. Her performance is the antithesis of rock. Where ist thou Jerry Brown?

TRL? I didn’t even know whether TRL was on the air anymore. Shows how much I watch MTV. Billie Joe from Green Day is on the phone speculating on what they might do for this year’s VMAs. “You guys are so good. You guys always rock,” says the new Carson Daly.

Someone’s having a baby or having their house remodeled on TLC. Can’t tell which. Maybe both. A man is rubbing a woman’s very pregnant stomach. He’s not her husband. Ooh, that was kind of creepy. She’s definitely skeeved.

Hitler on the History Channel! Surprise surprise surprise. What’s next, hottest Vegas casinos on the Travel Channel?

Next on Fox News Channel - KILLER HEAT! A MONTAGE OF REPORTERS IN CAMO GEAR!

Looks like were about to cross the Pennsylvania/Jersey line - altitude 25486.

Live on Court TV - the Millionaire Murder Trial. Subtitle: Engineer accused of fatally shooting his wife. Some white-bearded guy is testifying. Seems like forensics. Testifying for the defense. Is that the defendent? Oh my, definitely guilty. Proseuctors are trying to look unimpressed. “Is it fair to say that the distance is greater than two feet?” “Are you aware that four or more projectiles entered Mrs. Morgello’s body cavity?” People watch this stuff? Are they secretly dreaming of jury duty?

Overheated family drama on A&E. “I will not apologize for working! That’s how I pay the bills!” “Most mom’s know their kids. You don’t know anything about me!” “You are an ungrateful, spolied little girl.” “You don’t take care of Charlie, You don’t take care of Daddy, you only take care of you!” “Me? There is no me!” Damn straight.

Tennis player and Maura Tierney are doing shots of tequilla. Damn. Maura f'n Tierney. I’m right there with you Dave Foley.

An earlier version of Little House on the Prarie (I know this because Mary hasn't gone blind yet) as Charles and Mr. Olson prepare for some sort of county fair activity in which they are going to have to corral an animal. I'm thinking pigs. Maybe sheep or goats. But no. The announcer yells, "Turn out the jackasses!" and a herd (are donkeys a herd? a gaggle? a school?) of wild donkeys race out of their pen like bulls during San Fermin and Michael Landon runs to tackle one of them.

And with that we land - satellite unavailable due to normal aircraft movement.